I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
two words...techno handjob
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
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