ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize