So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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