I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize