He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
