If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
