Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Randomize