Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
