I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
