the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
