I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
