if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
