I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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