My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
