did you get engaged???
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
