i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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