Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
