You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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