I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
