Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Randomize
