either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
pray to the hookup gods
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
