I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize