i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
