Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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