i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
