so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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