he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize