dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm sobbing to NWA
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
