just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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