pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
