Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
