if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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