Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
