We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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