You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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