i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
