That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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