Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
