I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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