she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
