I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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