Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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