I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
