life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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