i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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