My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
