my room smells like sperm. sweet.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
