i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
