My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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