The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
