Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
