Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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