wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
