I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
