You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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