Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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