he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
