WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
