she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
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