The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
