2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
