At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
