I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
