Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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