i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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